Old Style Courtesy and Hospitality: The CUS

Last Thursday I was invited by Andrew Chapman to speak at the internationally famous Cambridge Union by participating in their Freshers feminism debate "This House Believes We'd be Better Off if Women Ruled the World."

(pic. left to right,Rupert Myers, Emma Wimhurst, Louise Court, Edwina Currie, myself and James Max)

Oh dear. I’m afraid we only managed to convince the house to the tune of 53 votes ‘for’ to the three hundred and somethings ‘against’ (a hundred and something abstentions) that women alone should rule the world. However, I think that most of the ‘team’ on the side of the feminists (and on the other, I might add) were secretly of the same persuasion of the 2007 Pew Global Attitudes survey of 46 countries which found most thought both men and women make equally good leaders if selected on individual merit!

The evening began with drinks and a superb three course dinner for the speakers and senior officers of the Society where I chatted at some length to bursar Colonel Bill Bailey MBE about his recent refurbishment programme and the price of cigars, and to Jan-Jonathan Bock Peterhouse about his ambition to make great art films to express his world views. I look forward to seeing them at Cannes! Twenty minutes before the appointed hour every seat in the Debating chamber was filled and therefore the event began promptly at 8pm.

Louise Court, the very unassuming and pleasant editor of Cosmopolitan spoke first and boldly put forward her well-prepared case for female supremacy. Possibly the fact that he had heard that very day of his promotion from pupil to a permanent seat in Chambers, Cambridge grad Rupert Myers, an experienced, international debater was in particularly feisty, challenging and witty mood. That did not help us! Next to the foray came super business woman Emma Wimhurst who spoke clearly and with great humour about our multi-tasking abilities. She was followed by ex Apprentice runner up James Max who has had ample experience in ‘wind-ups’ of campaigners on his LBC talk show and continued in this style to decimate our proposals.

Speaking third, after the floor had been opened to the students for twenty minutes or so, was fairly challenging. My own view, that women are naturally talented motivational leaders (which they practice on a minute on minute basis from birth with empathy, encouragement and on occasions sheer nosiness for detail) had mostly been covered.

However, it was good when researching for this evening to refresh myself on some encouraging statistics (for this blog) about how we women are progressing. Like, how since only 1928 (women under 30 didn’t get the vote in this country until then) we have done pretty well. Internationally our leadership skills are being recognised – only in 1960 Sirivamo Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka became the world’s first female selected premier minister; and only this year Monaco became the last country in the world to have it’s first female member of government. Today we have three highly respected Queens; Elizabeth 2nd, Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands and Queen Margareta of Denmark., 8 female prime ministers and 8 female presidents.

Edwina Currie, a skilful debater and confident speaker who brought great theatre to the event, stated that many of the 120 women ministers in Parliament in this country today were ‘politically correct’ appointees and many were completely ineffectual. Were we dispirited? No, because, the other side did concede that some of our female leaders had been exceptional – like Maggy Thatcher and Queen Elizabeth 1st, Angela Merke – (so who’s side were they supposed to be on?)

Joking aside, I somehow managed to bring into my humble contribution the stirring passage that has haunted me since I came across it some years ago and which I felt relevant to any political debate of the time. 1969 Apollo Astronaut Rusty Shweickart’s account of viewing Planet Earth from space, of being struck by its total fragility, ‘the precious little spot in the universe’ that could be blocked out by his thumb. How we need to keep perspective on the real challenges of leadership, whether they be taken up by men or women, of being able by any means to avoid conflict at all costs, in order to tackle the issue of our stewardship of the globe and all that involves.

‘The size of it, the significance of it – it becomes both things, it becomes so small and so fragile, and such a precious little spot in the universe, that you can block it out with your thumb, and you realize that on that small spot, that little blue and white thing is everything that means anything to you. All of history and music and poetry and art and war and death and birth and love, tears, joy, games all of it is on that little spot out there that you can cover with your thumb.’ Rusty Shweikhart, Apollo 9 Astronaut, talking about his view of Planet Earth from space. img. courtesty of NASA

Barbara Wilding CBE, the Chief Constable of South Wales Police, the UK’s most senior long serving police officer offered help with her observations of females in the police force over forty odd years. ‘Women are particularly good at emergencies – at responding to the immediate situation while ‘keeping the home fires burning’.

My view is that we currently have an emergency on our hands and that urgent situation has to be addressed. For that reason I concluded that maybe the world would be better if women were in charge, if we were able to take a fresh approach to the aims of leadership; to use our skills of communication and bonding to be able to find common ground during world negotiations on climate change.

A credit to the organisers, October 8th at the Cambridge Union on Bridge Street was a thrilling evening in more ways than one - a lady from the floor leapt up in defence of the personal attack on Cosmo Queen Louise Court to remind Edwina Currie of her four year affair with John Major; And that was just one of the cheeky exchanges which lifted the roof with applause and laughter.

After the debate I stayed on for the debriefing with the gorgeously debonair CUS President Julien Demercq and to chat with Caroline Cummins about life after Cambridge in London and the Freshers Ball which was happening the following evening.

There were several memorable moments, but one of the outstanding recollections of the evening was the warm and welcoming greeting I received from everyone at the Cambridge Union, the electric atmosphere charged by a long sense of tradition, but more than anything, their exceptional hospitality.

Many thanks indeed Cambridge for having me.

Prince William and Prince Harry

Last week I was misquoted in the press for this story. I, in fact, when called up by a journalist I said that I did not consider the matter a bullying issue for several reasons. To make it one, I thought, would just trivialise other more serious cases of harassment. I was not enraged, quite the opposite.

Affectionate banter, sometimes promotes good feelings, a sense of camaraderie, relief from the tension of modern life, group think, and bullying.

How often have you said, or had said to you - in a soothing situation ‘We all know you’re crazy, but we love you anyway!’ Just to bring a smile to someone’s face, to reinforce a position of support. Just to be kind. Sometimes the nicest thing to communicate is also the most 'inappropriate' on paper.

Sometimes political correctness is to kindness what botox is to beauty. A false fix. A con - for the most part.

For those who have legitimately questioned the stance I took on the above story, my campaigning aims personally remain as follows:

I am against intentional hurt, which covers a multitude of offences. As an anti-bullying campaigner and founder of widely supported charity Act Against Bullying what that means to me is systematic deliberate cruelty for whatever reason, whether it be group interaction, ignorance, manipulation, calculated exclusion or just plain evil.

As a global warming campaigner my views are the same. To know that we are causing environmental suicide and not to act against it seems a crime against humanity as well as the planet. This is why my contribution is to produce the Global Warming Hotspot for the Global Warming Alliance and spearhead the Hot Women Campaign. I don’t think that the general public, women in particular, would deliberately sabotage the future of the planet. Much of the excesses in the Western world have been imposed through group think and commercial pressure, which amount to a far more dangerous form of manipulation than a few light hearted comments.

Life is complex, human beings equally so; and there are very few examples on earth of completely selfless individuals. Equally, there are countless examples of decent human beings who strive to motivate for the good of others. Thankfully.

Motivation For Women (with Stars and Stripes)

Download to iTunes. Louise Burfitt-Dons gives ten tips for women to remotivate and encourage them. 4 minutes 28 seconds. http://www.louiseburfittdons.com/mp3s/US_Motivation_for_Women.mp3

Tribute To Jade Goody

I knew Jade Goody, not that well, but enough to call her up on a couple of occasions after she’d been on television and congratulate her on her performances. I meant it. Media work is not as easy as it is made to look! She donated money to the charity I founded, Act Against Bullying and I went to her 25th birthday party.

We met through a mutual friend Mark Fuller who brought her along to an AAB fundraising event at the Guards Polo Club in 2005. He’d been filming with her, there were other celebrities coming that day, would it be okay to bring Jade? It was bit contentious I suppose. Not that I’d watched it, but she had a ‘Big Brother’ reputation and was very much in the news at the time. AAB’s a children’s charity. My girls said ‘Jade Goody? She’s huge. Everyone knows her.' By that of course they meant teenagers, and it seemed she was suddenly taking off as someone who had risen out of obscurity and repaired a previously tarnished image, turned her life around.

Attending an exclusive club like the Guards was such a fillip for her that the producer of her show wanted to film it. Kate Jackson of Granada called me beforehand for a chat. Apparently Jade had been both excited and nervous about attending, had read her invitation carefully, wanted to wear the right, smart, suitable dress—chosen it specially, put it in the Cleaners. This turned out to be a skimpy, mini, full frontal, plunging neckline type of dress, quite inappropriate really for the venue, very Jade. (See above) ‘Never a dull moment’ was how my mother would have put it. She turned up on time at the Club, brought both her babies with her, as they were at the time. We got along well; she was an easy laugh, as they say, and she ending up helping quite a bit with the event, contributing without fuss for several hours. Jack Kidd, the polo player, arrived in the middle of the auction and Jade bad for a set of lessons with him. I don’t think they ever happened, but it was all quite a spectacle. We had a very pleasant day, I remember.

I was embroiled once again in Jade’s life when the Celebrity Big Brother program aired in January 2007. I watched the program with trepidation. Initially, I was impressed with Jade's growth in stature: when she 'entered the House' she seemed to have developed into her sought-after celebrity role. Jade was intent on bettering herself, and I respected her for that and the fact that she had seized her opportunities and developed a career from what was on offer. But Celebrity Big Brother was a poor management decision on someone’s part. Knowing what I do know about how it’s put together I am amazed anyone could emerge from a show like that with any dignity left in tact unless they were an android.

As I made public at the time, inexcusable as it was, the bullying behavior of Jade's group of girls over Shilpa Shetty was an example of the group dynamics played out then ( and still today) in a hundred schools and canteens across the country, if not the globe. Her unrestrained temper was unpleasant to witness, yet nothing unknown to anyone who has run a city centre pub, worked for the police or been involved in anti-bullying as I have been for some years.

Women didn’t like it, not because they couldn’t identify with it, but because they could. To speak about women's treatment of other women was taboo. No one wanted to know about it— which is one reason I set up the charity in the first place—but Jade, in her inimitable fashion—brought it slap bang to the attention of the nation, and me slap bang into trouble for having ever had any social links whatsoever. Within hours of her outbursts in the 'House' droves of angry people ether-picketed Act Against Bullying, forums were fuming with foul language of its own and the charity phone was running hot. Why had we even been associated with her?

Jade’s behavior was very difficult to defend. I did try, as I explained to her. I knew from meeting her that she was like any other young woman. She enjoyed attention, she wanted to be liked; on her own she was fine. Groups do funny things to people, girls in particular. Jade was no exception to that rule.

At the Guards she had listened politely when I gave a speech on ‘pointing the bone’ as an example of group bullying, isolation bullying and how the aborigines use this as tribal justice. When the bone is pointed at someone, they are cast out from the tribe. No one will have anything to do with them for fear that they too will be isolated. For many it is a sentence of death because the punishment of being shunned can drive them to suicide. Of course in todays society it can happen for a myriad of different reasons. Because of CBB this was now happening to Jade.

As I said on television, sure she was a girl gang leader, and a bully, but so were so many of the women who were gleefully judging her, in the press, chat rooms, and forums: They seemed to suddenly detest her, despise her love of the camera, resent the money she had made. Straight away, on every street and in every work canteen in Britain, every woman was playing the ‘victim’. Of course they would never pose for a camera, they would never accept huge publicity deals, or cavort topless on a beach. The insidiousness and disingenuousness of group tactics had turned and now claimed her as their next victim. Strangely enough, only those who truly understood victimization, real victims, tried to stick up for her.

For Jade, the bone had been pointed in her direction and the huge tribal publicity machine which she had utilized to build her profile swung into action to cut her to shreds. The headlines that followed were savage and ugly enough for anyone to withstand. I wondered when I heard about her illness whether they hadn’t played more than a small part in the cruel fate that befell her. Just like aboriginal justice, the stress of victimization had rendered her vulnerable and prone to illness. I hope not. However, to die of cancer, which is often brought on by stress, at her young age seems to be a cruel coincidence.

Always grateful for the positive contribution she made to my life, reminded of her warm personality, sense of fun and with much sadness at her death, I hope she rests peacefully. It would also please me to think of her looking down from Heaven and reading some good headlines. That would make her happy, and why shouldn’t it?

Encouragement of Spring

I remember as a child that around this time we would often receive 'spring' cards - approaching Easter. They seemed to add so much with such a simple image. Just a daffodil head, bright yellow and full of promise! What a strong emotion, so homely, caring and selfless.

Have you noticed in the twilights of the early Spring –
A faint blue light sheds beauty over every living thing
The leafless trees that wait the signal of the warmer days
Are caught up in the nameless magic of this drifting haze?
No matter how the icy winds of March come howling round
I know that life is stirring in the dark and frozen ground
I’ve seen the blue light in the streets and in the distant hills
And soon my little garden will be gay with daffodils.
Patience Strong

When 'Go For It' doesn't get you anywhere

You’ve probably heard it hundreds. Someone, usually the extravert, confident, well-meaning though not really that into you person says, ‘Well what are you waiting for? Just go for it!’

Sure. ‘Go for it’ works well—when you’ve made it through to the attacking circle and got a clear view of the goal (reference my young friend Hannah Walker who will one day play field hockey for England).

Absolutely. ‘Go for it’ works—when you’re given a sudden break to ‘do’ your number for the world’s greatest talent scout and need instant courage. (Tip: many successful people ‘go before they’re ready’ rather than never at all.) Or you are sitting in front of an audience hungry to hear from you like my new mate jazz sensation Oli Silk ( http://www.olisilk.com/)

Problem is, ‘Just go for it’ is not always the best motivational advice, particularly for women. Men and women alike don't really go for the pushy and upfront ‘go for it’ type women. So you've got that going against you just for starters. And what if your chosen goal (you're going for) happens to currently belong to someone else – their job, their husband/ partner/school place/ most coveted role in the company/cast? Which is often the case.

Then, there is always what so many women find to their peril - what if you do go for it, get it, then don’t wan’ it!

Want to be a great mother? Decent human being? Cherished individual. ‘Just go for it!' – doesn’t fit, does it?

Not to mention, with multi-focused types in particular (women are multi-focused) ‘just going’ for one goal like a sprinter on a race track can mean leaving another wilting, unprotected, withering in neglect. Case study one—the unfulfilled, dispirited housewife; case study two—the lonely, rich diva on the international circuit. How do you go for balance?

So how do you focus on this burdensome, inner ambition? The desire to reach your full potential and yet still not overlook your current blessings?

I prefer a slightly different approach to 'just go for it'. You protect it, nurture it with information, study it over time. Just like a child, you are sort of anchored to it forever. You let it develop naturally, sometimes surprising you, rewarding you, often frustrating you. You tweak it here, mould it to fit there and reshape it into the many opportunities that life presents on an almost daily basis. Follow your star that shines from within and it will come to you.

That way when real grounded opportunity comes calling, you haven’t already left in search of Santa.

Unique Inspiration

It was an early, frosty start for me this morning. My younger daughter had been chosen to compete for her RAF cadets—and we had to make the bus by seven. Early, we watched other teenagers arriving with their creased and starched uniform trousers on hangers, shiny boots in hand. ‘I really love the RAF,' she said unprompted, 'It’s different to school. Everyone’s respectful. They’re all there for the same reason. You can really be yourself.’ We supposed it was something to do with 'the rules were known', parameters drawn, the formality, marching, timekeeping. A combined sense of purpose; pride in being part of a disciplined group that ironed and polished, not just partied. ‘Everyone’s so different,’ she said. The only thing that set one apart from the other was their personality, their individuality. I thought, yes, it's nice to show off who you really are and still have people like you for it.

In a woman’s world, grown-ups, its completely different, isn’t it. What are the rules? What is considered ‘right’? Stay at home, or go to work? Get married or not. Have children? When? How to dress? What age is the right one? Too young for this, or too old for that? Twenty or sixty? What size is ok? Coy or forward, mousey or brassy, liberal or strict? In other words how do we avoid that conflict of disapproval?

That’s where the secret of motivation for women lies. Not one woman’s life is the same as another, and yet we seek to copy if only to gain approval and encouragement, to get along, group up well, avoid getting it wrong. It's understandable, and in many ways admirable. If there is a 'kit' then we will wear it. No one really likes a radical, upsetting things, making the place untidy. But, problem is, as women, there isn't one set style, one colour suits all.

No. I believe every woman has a unique purpose, often challenging, and always changing. Step back from the throng, think; ‘what am I doing today which is unique , which is unexpected, which is inspiring?’ The answer will come to you, and you alone.

ACT!

A lot of the best motivational and encouragement advice I have gathered has been from sports coaches. The reason for this is because it is not just ‘pie in the sky’ style of wishful thinking but based on hard research - evidence of how human beings operate under stress.

For example if a footballer gets into a habit of missing his penalty kicks then it takes mental work and visualisation techniques to recover his or her confidence.

I was reminded of another valuable fact the other day when my daughter came in from lacrosse practice. Her coach had taught her about ‘make or break’ people in a team. In other words, come on the pitch with a smile and a confident attitude you are as 'maker' and the whole team will respond. If you slouch on to the field muttering 'Oh my God, have you seen the size of them?' you are a 'breaker'. And it’s true to say that in group tactics negativity can spread almost instantly and destroy morale. Much, much quicker than positively.

So why do so many women use 'breaker' tactics? And often. Even in situations where they should be confident? Usually because they are inhibited by the outcome. 'What if we lose when we have been swaggering about' attitude. Understood, no one wants to be humiliated by defeat and be seen to be 'overconfident'. One thing remains true though, in situations where you cannot determine with certainly the final result - where it is out of your control - then you might as well be a 'maker'. You have then at least got some chance of encouraging others to do their best, play well, achieve their potential.

Of course there is a time to voice your fears – definitely- and that is when lives are in peril (read my speech on You Can’t Fight City Hall) but there are other times when you can change your's and other's behaviour dramatically for the better using positive attitude.

All very well, you say. But how do you actually pull that off when you are racked with fear and insecurity and it is telling all over your face. Mother's anxst, for example.

You pretend to yourself you are reading from a script. Yes. That's all you do. You make believe. You invent. You ACT!

Women and Motivation

I believe that motivating women requires a completely different approach. Which is probably why many women complain that the standard methods of motivation just don’t work for them. Firstly, traditional motivational courses start with setting goals and focusing on those aims. That’s all very well and good if you know exactly what goals to set. And let’s face it, it's now well accepted that women are multi-taskers (which means multi-focussed!). Hence, when a woman complains she 'doesn’t know what she wants', she's not just ‘being a female’ but probably being entirely honest about the source of her confusion.

There is nothing more frustrating than to know that you have the ability to succeed at any given task or to achieve the realms of success if you could just focus on one goal. That’s not always possible for women. So, instead of dismissing multi-focus as a weakness, let us start by looking at this as an advantage. Very little is known about the drives of human beings, let alone women in particular. Why, because research bothered not to single out women until they became major consumers, major earners. Only when marketing recognised the potential for profit did they begin to get serious about understanding the female brain.

Truth is we are probably multi-tasker for a good primordial reason. Even with little or no education women across the world have had to care for their families in any way they could so that we have developed a new science which is part learning (how to cook, nurse a child, make clothes) and for a large part intuition. And this to me is the secret of motivation for women.

Goals are all very well for men, who are acknowledged to be single focussed, but the natural demands on women (whether they be state leaders or mothers at home) mean that their aims have to take into account their multitasking. Developing effective goals for women means researching a course of action which will satisfy several needs at one time i.e. Male Goal: Become leader in field of biochemistry. Full stop. Female goal. Develop excellence in field of biochemistry, move to a more sociable area, lose weight.

Chances are if a woman accepts her goal setting will be possibly the hardest part and more primordially based, she is far more likely to continue with her activity. Summary: Female goals are different. Women have to get in touch with their intuitive desires and needs rather than focus on a wish list of materialistic achievements.

Step 1. Imagine how you would be if you were born back then (in the caveman days). How would you set your goals then? Think intuitively, outside the positive thinking mould. What do you really care about? What would you like to achieve and how could that integrate with the other demands on your time. Like your children? Don’t think focus, think multi-focus to begin with. More in my next blog.