Sunshine or Shade? (Or is it how us women are made?)

It’s everywhere at the moment. We’re questioning the irresponsibility of super-optimistic thinking like never before. I guess this is all because it’s cost us money recently. We’re blaming reckless consumption and the ‘because we’re worth it’ trend of super-selfindulgence for the near collapse of the banking system, the demise of our overheating planet, and stuff like that. And, to a greater or lesser extent, the examination’s been long overdue.

So last week when I attended a debate at the RSA chaired by Julian Thompson about whether a strongly optimistic outlook is the key to a resilient, productive society, it was interesting to gauge public perception. Five years ago this would have been a no-brainer; obviously optimists are great people, and the only success icons. Back then was the age of Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret which sold like hot cakes. Millions enjoyed it ,believing just to read the text would open the floodgates of plenty. It was marketed right at peak of the super-positive thinking boom, a la tulip mania.

On the side of the ‘pro’ for this lunchtime event was Laurence Shorter, comic and author of the The Optimist. On the panel of self-confessed, 'apologetic' pessimists were two highly accomplished and perceptive writers Ariel Leve and Lucy Mangan.

At one point Lucy—almost as an aside—suggested that maybe being a pessimist was a woman’s thing.

And I believe she’s right. This is why motivational advice for women is different to the positive power patter that is dished out to men. Our responses to stimuli are rated on another scale. Our physical survival depends on it. According to Barbara Wilding FRSA, ex Chief Constable of South Wales Police, ‘women have an instinct about what makes people safer’. An awareness of danger, whether or not you or your offspring should walk a dark country lane alone after midnight, is a by-product of sensible distrust. But more importantly, as empathisers, which women tend to be – we are more in tune with pessimism. How can you sense someone’s pain if you can’t visualise it? Or comfort using impassive, automated-responses ‘she’ll be right, mate!’. Compassion and cheery platitudes are obviously incompatible.

Could it be that we don’t actually like our women, our mothers, our confidantes to be too optimistic all the time?

In a society where an optimist conjures up ‘sunny and encouraging’ and pessimist ‘depressing and negative’, there is a huge guilt attached to being in the latter camp. I also sense fn intellectual snobbery; optimistic people are perceived brainless sales persons, and disingenuous; pessimistic people more learned, more philosophical, not so 'in your face'.

The complexities of womanhood demand we switch roles constantly; optimist, pessimist, optimist, pessimist …whoops, sorry, optimist, optimist, pessimist, optimist. And at a moment’s notice. But that’s the way women are wonderfully made. It’s a natural, and therefore, successful pattern. There’s a time to shine; a time to shelter. The art, I believe, is in developing an ability to present the right application of gloss or shade at the appropriate time.

To hear a transcript of the event

Old Style Courtesy and Hospitality: The CUS

Last Thursday I was invited by Andrew Chapman to speak at the internationally famous Cambridge Union by participating in their Freshers feminism debate "This House Believes We'd be Better Off if Women Ruled the World."

(pic. left to right,Rupert Myers, Emma Wimhurst, Louise Court, Edwina Currie, myself and James Max)

Oh dear. I’m afraid we only managed to convince the house to the tune of 53 votes ‘for’ to the three hundred and somethings ‘against’ (a hundred and something abstentions) that women alone should rule the world. However, I think that most of the ‘team’ on the side of the feminists (and on the other, I might add) were secretly of the same persuasion of the 2007 Pew Global Attitudes survey of 46 countries which found most thought both men and women make equally good leaders if selected on individual merit!

The evening began with drinks and a superb three course dinner for the speakers and senior officers of the Society where I chatted at some length to bursar Colonel Bill Bailey MBE about his recent refurbishment programme and the price of cigars, and to Jan-Jonathan Bock Peterhouse about his ambition to make great art films to express his world views. I look forward to seeing them at Cannes! Twenty minutes before the appointed hour every seat in the Debating chamber was filled and therefore the event began promptly at 8pm.

Louise Court, the very unassuming and pleasant editor of Cosmopolitan spoke first and boldly put forward her well-prepared case for female supremacy. Possibly the fact that he had heard that very day of his promotion from pupil to a permanent seat in Chambers, Cambridge grad Rupert Myers, an experienced, international debater was in particularly feisty, challenging and witty mood. That did not help us! Next to the foray came super business woman Emma Wimhurst who spoke clearly and with great humour about our multi-tasking abilities. She was followed by ex Apprentice runner up James Max who has had ample experience in ‘wind-ups’ of campaigners on his LBC talk show and continued in this style to decimate our proposals.

Speaking third, after the floor had been opened to the students for twenty minutes or so, was fairly challenging. My own view, that women are naturally talented motivational leaders (which they practice on a minute on minute basis from birth with empathy, encouragement and on occasions sheer nosiness for detail) had mostly been covered.

However, it was good when researching for this evening to refresh myself on some encouraging statistics (for this blog) about how we women are progressing. Like, how since only 1928 (women under 30 didn’t get the vote in this country until then) we have done pretty well. Internationally our leadership skills are being recognised – only in 1960 Sirivamo Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka became the world’s first female selected premier minister; and only this year Monaco became the last country in the world to have it’s first female member of government. Today we have three highly respected Queens; Elizabeth 2nd, Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands and Queen Margareta of Denmark., 8 female prime ministers and 8 female presidents.

Edwina Currie, a skilful debater and confident speaker who brought great theatre to the event, stated that many of the 120 women ministers in Parliament in this country today were ‘politically correct’ appointees and many were completely ineffectual. Were we dispirited? No, because, the other side did concede that some of our female leaders had been exceptional – like Maggy Thatcher and Queen Elizabeth 1st, Angela Merke – (so who’s side were they supposed to be on?)

Joking aside, I somehow managed to bring into my humble contribution the stirring passage that has haunted me since I came across it some years ago and which I felt relevant to any political debate of the time. 1969 Apollo Astronaut Rusty Shweickart’s account of viewing Planet Earth from space, of being struck by its total fragility, ‘the precious little spot in the universe’ that could be blocked out by his thumb. How we need to keep perspective on the real challenges of leadership, whether they be taken up by men or women, of being able by any means to avoid conflict at all costs, in order to tackle the issue of our stewardship of the globe and all that involves.

‘The size of it, the significance of it – it becomes both things, it becomes so small and so fragile, and such a precious little spot in the universe, that you can block it out with your thumb, and you realize that on that small spot, that little blue and white thing is everything that means anything to you. All of history and music and poetry and art and war and death and birth and love, tears, joy, games all of it is on that little spot out there that you can cover with your thumb.’ Rusty Shweikhart, Apollo 9 Astronaut, talking about his view of Planet Earth from space. img. courtesty of NASA

Barbara Wilding CBE, the Chief Constable of South Wales Police, the UK’s most senior long serving police officer offered help with her observations of females in the police force over forty odd years. ‘Women are particularly good at emergencies – at responding to the immediate situation while ‘keeping the home fires burning’.

My view is that we currently have an emergency on our hands and that urgent situation has to be addressed. For that reason I concluded that maybe the world would be better if women were in charge, if we were able to take a fresh approach to the aims of leadership; to use our skills of communication and bonding to be able to find common ground during world negotiations on climate change.

A credit to the organisers, October 8th at the Cambridge Union on Bridge Street was a thrilling evening in more ways than one - a lady from the floor leapt up in defence of the personal attack on Cosmo Queen Louise Court to remind Edwina Currie of her four year affair with John Major; And that was just one of the cheeky exchanges which lifted the roof with applause and laughter.

After the debate I stayed on for the debriefing with the gorgeously debonair CUS President Julien Demercq and to chat with Caroline Cummins about life after Cambridge in London and the Freshers Ball which was happening the following evening.

There were several memorable moments, but one of the outstanding recollections of the evening was the warm and welcoming greeting I received from everyone at the Cambridge Union, the electric atmosphere charged by a long sense of tradition, but more than anything, their exceptional hospitality.

Many thanks indeed Cambridge for having me.

Motivation For Women (with Stars and Stripes)

Download to iTunes. Louise Burfitt-Dons gives ten tips for women to remotivate and encourage them. 4 minutes 28 seconds. http://www.louiseburfittdons.com/mp3s/US_Motivation_for_Women.mp3

Encouragement of Spring

I remember as a child that around this time we would often receive 'spring' cards - approaching Easter. They seemed to add so much with such a simple image. Just a daffodil head, bright yellow and full of promise! What a strong emotion, so homely, caring and selfless.

Have you noticed in the twilights of the early Spring –
A faint blue light sheds beauty over every living thing
The leafless trees that wait the signal of the warmer days
Are caught up in the nameless magic of this drifting haze?
No matter how the icy winds of March come howling round
I know that life is stirring in the dark and frozen ground
I’ve seen the blue light in the streets and in the distant hills
And soon my little garden will be gay with daffodils.
Patience Strong

When 'Go For It' doesn't get you anywhere

You’ve probably heard it hundreds. Someone, usually the extravert, confident, well-meaning though not really that into you person says, ‘Well what are you waiting for? Just go for it!’

Sure. ‘Go for it’ works well—when you’ve made it through to the attacking circle and got a clear view of the goal (reference my young friend Hannah Walker who will one day play field hockey for England).

Absolutely. ‘Go for it’ works—when you’re given a sudden break to ‘do’ your number for the world’s greatest talent scout and need instant courage. (Tip: many successful people ‘go before they’re ready’ rather than never at all.) Or you are sitting in front of an audience hungry to hear from you like my new mate jazz sensation Oli Silk ( http://www.olisilk.com/)

Problem is, ‘Just go for it’ is not always the best motivational advice, particularly for women. Men and women alike don't really go for the pushy and upfront ‘go for it’ type women. So you've got that going against you just for starters. And what if your chosen goal (you're going for) happens to currently belong to someone else – their job, their husband/ partner/school place/ most coveted role in the company/cast? Which is often the case.

Then, there is always what so many women find to their peril - what if you do go for it, get it, then don’t wan’ it!

Want to be a great mother? Decent human being? Cherished individual. ‘Just go for it!' – doesn’t fit, does it?

Not to mention, with multi-focused types in particular (women are multi-focused) ‘just going’ for one goal like a sprinter on a race track can mean leaving another wilting, unprotected, withering in neglect. Case study one—the unfulfilled, dispirited housewife; case study two—the lonely, rich diva on the international circuit. How do you go for balance?

So how do you focus on this burdensome, inner ambition? The desire to reach your full potential and yet still not overlook your current blessings?

I prefer a slightly different approach to 'just go for it'. You protect it, nurture it with information, study it over time. Just like a child, you are sort of anchored to it forever. You let it develop naturally, sometimes surprising you, rewarding you, often frustrating you. You tweak it here, mould it to fit there and reshape it into the many opportunities that life presents on an almost daily basis. Follow your star that shines from within and it will come to you.

That way when real grounded opportunity comes calling, you haven’t already left in search of Santa.

Unique Inspiration

It was an early, frosty start for me this morning. My younger daughter had been chosen to compete for her RAF cadets—and we had to make the bus by seven. Early, we watched other teenagers arriving with their creased and starched uniform trousers on hangers, shiny boots in hand. ‘I really love the RAF,' she said unprompted, 'It’s different to school. Everyone’s respectful. They’re all there for the same reason. You can really be yourself.’ We supposed it was something to do with 'the rules were known', parameters drawn, the formality, marching, timekeeping. A combined sense of purpose; pride in being part of a disciplined group that ironed and polished, not just partied. ‘Everyone’s so different,’ she said. The only thing that set one apart from the other was their personality, their individuality. I thought, yes, it's nice to show off who you really are and still have people like you for it.

In a woman’s world, grown-ups, its completely different, isn’t it. What are the rules? What is considered ‘right’? Stay at home, or go to work? Get married or not. Have children? When? How to dress? What age is the right one? Too young for this, or too old for that? Twenty or sixty? What size is ok? Coy or forward, mousey or brassy, liberal or strict? In other words how do we avoid that conflict of disapproval?

That’s where the secret of motivation for women lies. Not one woman’s life is the same as another, and yet we seek to copy if only to gain approval and encouragement, to get along, group up well, avoid getting it wrong. It's understandable, and in many ways admirable. If there is a 'kit' then we will wear it. No one really likes a radical, upsetting things, making the place untidy. But, problem is, as women, there isn't one set style, one colour suits all.

No. I believe every woman has a unique purpose, often challenging, and always changing. Step back from the throng, think; ‘what am I doing today which is unique , which is unexpected, which is inspiring?’ The answer will come to you, and you alone.